The “I” as
opposed to the “Me” is a topic that you’ve maybe read about before. In case you’re too lazy to read the full Wikipedia article, I’ll
give you the gist of it. The “I” refers to a personal ego, how you personally
view yourself. Next to that, we have the “Me,” which refers to how your environment
creates a version of you that’s based on how others perceive you, and how you
perceive that. How much of you is genuinely yourself? How many alternate
versions of yourself do you present to different people? Is there any version
of you that’s really “real?” It’s a lot to think about, I know.
Maybe you and I aren’t so different. Or you know, maybe we are.
I’m curious if anyone else out there feels the same way about their “I” and “Me”
as I do. So, let me tell you about my own experiences, and you can think about
how similar or different you are.
I’m the baby friend. Always have been. Homeschooled, sheltered,
sensitive, polite, suuuper gullible, still learning what “assertive” looks like
for me at age 20. The first time I experienced being cast in this role was at
about age 12. I’d just joined my church’s youth group, which, being
homeschooled, meant a bigger and more solid social group than what I was used
to. It had a lot of slightly older kids that I really looked up to in it, so I
was very excited. They were all very welcoming, but, being the youngest and
least experienced member of was the start of my role. I didn’t really think
about it or notice it at the time. I just appreciated that people were nice to
me, and that I got a part in the overall group.
A few years passed. I became a little bit more conscious of my role
and wanted to try and change it. We were moving to a new town and I was going
through some stuff, so it seemed like the perfect time. So yeah, I decided that
I wanted to be the tough, pseudo-goth, and edgy friend. No one would dare make
me the group’s baby! I thought so, anyway. I briefly became a student at a
private school that my mum was working at. I definitely came off as a spooky
wannabe, but, even when I tried to give other people an alternate “Me” I think
I still ended up with a similar role. They’d all gone to school with lots of
people for years. I couldn’t really hide that I’d been sheltered. Sure, I wrote
edgy short stories, but I also loved cupcakes, cute animals, and wasn’t
rebelling in the same ways other kids were. Also, they were rich. That too. This
cocktail of seemingly-unhidable traits wound up putting me in a similar social
role as before, despite my poorly placed efforts to create a new “Me.”
So, if I’m not in control of my “Me,” does that mean that for some
of us, “I” and “Me” are one and the same? We just wear our hearts on our
sleeves and that’s that? Maybe. But I think there’s a little bit more at play
than that. For example, there are some traits hidden beneath the ones that make
me the baby friend. For example, a short temper that I don’t always know how to
express due to being overly polite. But I think that everything people see is
genuine, too. There’s just a tiny piece that they don’t always see. What’s
more, I think that pretty much everyone in my life sees the same “chaotic
soft”-aligned (there is a heap of chaos in me, it’s just blended into at least
as much soft) picture of me. Those smaller buried facets only really come out
in characters I create for Dungeons
and Dragons or LARP, and I’m
pretty content with that. And even those are a little soft.
But then, which one came first? Was it the “I” or the “Me?”
They’re so interwoven I can’t tell them apart. Perhaps it’s because I, aside
from my brief private school career, was always homeschooled. I spent so much
time as my mother’s sweet little kid that I never learned to be anything else.
That’s not a bad thing! I like the simplicity of not having too many versions
of myself. But it was likely my early life that formed that. I was taught good
and bad from people I had every reason to trust. By the time I was old enough
to question that, I was too strongly cemented as a person, and nothing could
change that.
But then again, there’s an elephant in the room that I’ve been
ignoring this entire time. To be totally honest with you, random internet
people, I’m lesbian and genderqueer. This brings me to another type of “Me”:
one formed for safety.
If the version of myself that other people see is
genuine with a few buried feelings, then the version of myself created to keep
me safe is a heightened version of that. The only traits that people see if I’m
in a situation where I don’t feel safe are “polite” and “smart.” The smartness
is important because it’s an excuse for not having a boyfriend yet. “I’m
married to my GPA, I don’t have time to date anyone right now,” I’ll say and
laugh, feeling anxious on the inside. And it’s not a total lie--I’m a busy
college student who needs good grades for my scholarships! But it’s so little
of the whole story. I struggle to hide most of myself, but if it’s an unideal
place/situation, then I can manage it at the cost of becoming quiet and clearly
guarded. It’s like putting a big rock into a creek; only a little bit of the
water makes it past.
So I am, for a time, capable of creating a separate
“Me.” It just takes effort to keep up and creates something pretty bland. The
fact that this requires effort and cuts out so many traits that are
simultaneously “I” and “Me” in the process, however. So, I think it’s fair to
say that some people, such as myself, pretty much just display whatever’s
there. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that this is often the result of
being sheltered as a child, be it by a consistent environment or wholesome friends
or both. You get so used to displaying the same version of yourself every time
you interact, as you interact with more and more people, they get shown the
same genuine version of you. By then, you don’t know how to unlearn it. I’m not
saying that this is the most universal experience, but it’s one, and it may not
be uncommon. Everyone grows and evolves, but what you see can basically be what
you get sometimes!
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